I'm a very emotional person. The smallest bullshit can fucking hurt me for month's. I can't help it. I just wanna be happy, but some people can be so ignorant toward's me. And I think it's because I'm not good enough, physically and on the inside. I don't need therapy, I just need to be around positive people, who actually care who they hurt. Unfortunatly I have a brother who fucking hates me. I just wish I had the kind of brother I see other girl's have, or like on the movie's. It's funny how ONE family member can hurt you so much, in so many way's. If I make one mistake, he makes me feel like shit. And not only that, but he exaggerates it and tell's everyone he knows, everything about me. Things that should just be for our family to know. Everyone knows about my ED because of him, everyone know's I used to cut because he told everybody about it and said it would be funny if I would kill myself. So, everyone thinks im a freak. What kind of brother does that shit? Fuckk. :/

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But yeah, so when I finally decide to come out of my shell, I go out and smoke while my brother's friend's are out in the garage. It was cool. Mike was like 'Hey Alyssa, I haven't seen you since like 9th grade' I was like 'Yeah." and he said 'so where'v you been?' so I was like, "Home, dropped out." and he said 'That's cool?' and busted out laughing and so did the other 3 including my brother. Can someone tell me what I did so wrong there? I thought he was just trying to catch up with me cause we went to school together. So I told him. I said 3 words. I felt like an ASS . Then a little after my humiliation I moved on, and told austin "Guess who texted me" "who?"
and I said "Nick" he said "So?"
Nick and him had problems in the past so and me and Nick dated and had bigger problems. Austin acted like he cared. I havent seen Nick in 2 years and he hasnt texted me all year. So it was a surprise to me and I thought he would show some interest cause whenever I tell him something, no matter how stupid, he listens and atleast acts like he gives a shit outta respect. But not this time.
So what really pissed me off was that after Mike left, Austin started talking to me like a normal person. He was just putting on a front and trying to act cool in front of his friends, as usual.
I cant even tell you how bad I felt. I felt like the most useless piece of shit, I felt humiliated, awkward, stupid, angry, annoyed, all at once.
I layed down feeling that way, and it killed me.
I couldnt stop thinkin about it. I felt so stupid. I wanted to die.
I dropped outta school to get away from these stupid people, and they just come back like a fuckin fly. Shit never goes away, and thats true. I had a hard life at school. Esp. after a rumor went around and now I'm a 'whore.' which is totally false. Fuck school. Life does get better after high school. But not when you drop out and live with a fuckin brother whos friends with all the people who hated you and teased you all throughout school. Fuck. I hate this.
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I went to Tabitha's and we talked about all this shit. I'm so glad that she moved here. I don't know what I would do it they didn't. I feel so much better talking to someone. Before we knew them I didn't have anybody anymore. It's comforting having another chick around that isn't a shit talker or a backstabber. She's so real and positive. She's awesome and a very good friend. I seriously was so depressed about what happened earlier. When I went over there I was depressed about those asshole's. But she made me feel better. I seriously dont know what I would do without her and Mary. But right now Mary is bein a bitch and chooses her husband over Tabitha. It depresses her. and all Kenny (her step dad, marys husband) cares about is crack. I know what it's like to feel left out, feel like second best. It fuckin sucks. Especially when its your own mom doin it to you. Your own fuckin parent. That hurts. And her mom dont even give a shit. Kenny dont. Cause Tabs not his kid, he dont give a fuck. I know that Tabitha is 21 and should, probably be moved out on her own. But its not like that, but she should STILL feel welcome in her own home with her fuckin mom. They took her to kroger so she could fill out an app. They really want her to get a job and help out, but guess what they fuckin did? They thought she was takin too long so they left her there. Bad fuckin parents. They left her there to walk al the way home. On the express way. Wow.