bdd

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Body Dysmorphic Disorder

My family history consist's of many type's of anxiety disorder's. For instance, My 'maternal' grandma has panic disorder. My mother has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have two totally different anxiety disorder's from them. I have Social Anxiety and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

Both of which are very depressing to have. I have been this way all my life. Even as a child. I thought everyone was like me. I've always hated the way I looked. I even remember back when I was in kindergarten. Being shy and thinking everyone was judging me. That no one wanted to be my friend.

I constantly am thinking about specific parts of my body. Thing's that I would kill for, to be fixed. For instance, I hate my nose. It look's weird in certain light's. I hate my lip's. They are not big enough. I hate my eye's. I feel like if I rest my eyebrow's they make me look like a fucking monster. I hate the size of my boob's. I want them to be small again. They are too big, I can;t even fit into my old clothe's because they dont look right and are too tight around that area. I hate my stomache, love handles, and thunder thighs. I'm definitly not as thin as I'd like to be. I'm a fucking fat cow. Not to mention I totally fucked up my ana diet. The second fucking day too. I fucking hate it. I feel fucking guilty and fat.

I hate how huge my feet are. I am a size 8 and a half. HUGE. I hate that I'm so tall because I feel like I tower over everyone and that's the LAST thing I want considering I'm a fat fuck with an ugly ass face. I'm a towering 5 foot 7. Thats the LAST height I'd like to be. I'd much rather be short and sit in the sideline's and NOT be noticed. I'm too disgustingly fat. I hate my double chin. I hate how I cut my hair. It was so long too, but I cut it because 'the layers were too fucked up.' Yeah, cause I did them. Cause I dont like going to the salon because I'm too ugly and feel awkward and dont feel like staring into the mirror for 30 minutes. and talking to some chick I dont even know. Cause she's probably judging me. Usually the girl doing my hair would be so pretty. The last time I went to a salon for my hair I was 13. And I'm now 16. Pathetic, I know. You don't have to tell me. I guess that's where the Social Anxiety kick's in. And I don't like going to the docters to get a check up and they'll weigh me. Whenever I go to the docters, the night before, the morning of, and the car trip there I constantly worry, and try not to freak out. because I do NOT want to know how much I weigh. I seriously don't. I REFUSE to look at the scale. Last time I was on a scale I was 15 and I weight 130 pounds. That was depressing. God. I'm probably 160 now. I fucking hate it. I remember when I was in fifth or sixth grade I weighed 109. So embaressing. When I was in 3rd grade I weighed 100 pounds. And thats when I think my eating disorder started. I'm not medically classified as Anorexic, but who give's a fuck? Why would I want to be labeled as such a cliche' name anyway. I am me. I do know that I have an eating disorder because all the sign's are there. But I don't classify it. Theirs no name for it other than my guilty pleasure. I know that's stupid. And maybe THAT sounds a little cliche', and I don't really ever call it that, it's just that it fits. I dont even know. I'm just rambling.

But anyways, I think I gave you a good detour on my crazy little anxiety world I got goin on here. Haha.

But yeah, my fat ass. The battle for today between food and my self control... Food won. I've killed everything I was hoping and wishing for. I do this every fucking time. I fuck up my diet's because I had no sef control sometimes. I need to work on that. Oh, and guess fucking what? I ran out of fucking cigarette's. and that always help's me through the day's. Fuck my life. I'm just so pissed off, sad, depressed, disapointed, angry, annoyed, disgusted... All at myself, all at the same time.
I hate this feeling,
I hate when everything you've worked so hard for get's fucking trashed. What's even worse about it, is when you do it to yourself. I need more self control. I need to read more Ana tips. I need to educate myself moreeee. Ughhh.