I'm like, in love with Lady Gaga's new song, 'The edge of glory' , it's prettyy sweet.
I really am fucking up my diet. Big time.
But that's not the only thing I'm fucking up... haha... of course...
But i'm not gonna get into that...
It's not anything bad, it's something I feel bad about.
Oh, and can I not talk about how much i ate today? kthanks

I don't give a fuck

I really dont. about anything. not right now, just need aloooot of time to prepare myself for bikini season... ugh. only thing i actually DO care about. how can i enjoy myself at the beach with friends if i got chubb holdin me back?

Sorry, but I can't stop bitchin. Just the thought of yesterday annoy's me. My ex Austin laughed at me when he made fun of me. He acted like he didnt care what I had to say. All the fucking sign's are there. I dont even think I have the need to point it out. But I will. He is embaressed of me. Either that or, all his friends hate me (which most of them do) and if he shows any interest in me theyll make fun of him. Why do I have to be so hated LMAO. I didn't do shit! I used to be a nice girl but when people take advantage of that and treat you like they can just do or say whatever they want to you, yeah, your gonna be a fucking bitch to everyone who either does that to you or think they're just gonna do that to you. School fucking messes people up. Not necessarily school, but the fucking douchebag's who go there. I never really had as much problem's with girl's as I did boy's. I got picked on in elementary school until 2nd grade because I liked pokemon. I got made an ass of and used in 3rd grade by this girl I thought was so cool and was my friend. In fourth grade, a nasty rumor went around about me that was so untrue that I wish I couldve laughed at it but I was too busy getting spit on and hated, and made fun of, and called disgusting. This shit these stupid asses make up about people will ruin there lives. And it fuckin sucks. That rumor trashed my name. And not to mention this girl that got fuckin held back cause shes so stupid hated me because she thought I was a poser. I think she was just a bitch. In fifth grade I hardly had any friend's, just a few. In sixth grade I made a little more friends, but I had glasses and  I got teased a little cause I wore baggy clothes to hide my non existant fat. They thought I wore the same shirt everyday. Haha. Blahh. I was 11 and retarded. When I was 12, I got prettier, I dressed like an actual girl, I wore makeup, got contacts, got a boyfriend (Austin, the asshole who is embaressed of me, who wasnt back then, he actually really liked me) and had a couple best friend. My old best friend and I were enemies the majority of 7th grade but made up after awhile. In 8th grade is when I made alot of friends because I was 'hot' I guess and thats what everyone told me. But it still went all downhill. Everyone thought I was a whore. Me and austin had unprotected sex and I missed a period. I told austin and he was pissed. The girl who hated me in 4th grade all of the sudden became my best friend for a few seconds. She was like, whats wrong with austin? She refused to let me not tell her. I told not to tell anyone, and she said okay. So I told her, I think Im pregnant I missed a period. that was a lie when she said okay. Cause next thing I knew by the time second hour came, EVERYONE knew.EVERYONE, even seniors. OMG. Thats how this whole 'whore' thing came to beee. Not to mentio the fact that I thought I loved this other guy named mike, he was in 12th grade and was 17 and I was just 13, so I thought I hit the jackpot. Haha, so he got me to give him head. I totally wish I could take that back. FUCK. I told him not to tell anybody but he told a few people and I denied it. I was dating austin at the time and cheated on him with mike. But its not my fault I went into this whole sex thing. Austin pushed me into having sex with him, I would constantly say no im not ready but he didnt care. Then in 9th grade I turned emo... big mistake. But I dont regret it though,. Because I made sooooooo much friends. Alot of new friends. I had plans like every single day.
I made lots of new boyfriends. I went to this alternative high school that you go to after half of the day being at the high school then you got a bus that takes 45 minutes to get to the other school which is nice because less time at school. I met lots of cute guys. I had so many friends there and nobody hated me. It was like a fresh start. This guy named Jeremy moved to the original high school, not the alternative one. I met Jeremy and he really liked me. Our first kiss was romantic. I met nick in ninth grade because I went to a different alternative school full time, I think I went there in February, and everyone at the other alternative school messaged me on MySpace and thought I moved haha.
It was fun at the other aternative school, it was called crossroads. At crossroads I went there because my boyfriend at the time, Jeremy went there and so did my best friend since 4th grade. It was pretty fun though.
Then in 10th grade alot of my friends at Crossroads moved and alot of people hated me and my best friend Erin because we would get so bored staring at a dumb computer screen all day and would just talk and laugh about stupid shit. Then everybody knew a secret about something I did with Nick so everyone would make fun of me about it and make me feel like shit. Then my friend Bree moved. Erin dropped out because she got pregnant. Angie and Lizzy graduated. And I was stuck there alone to fend for myself so I dropped out.
I never made it to 11th grade because school fuckin sucks for me. I would be at the end of 11th right now, and I wouldve been a senior this year. Time flies. People fucking suck. They ruined my high school year,. Actually basically all of my school years. Fuck em though. Ima get a GED , Get a car, and get the fuck out of this lame ass town.

I feel a little better. I'm outside drinkin coffeee. I'm starting a fast today. I want supermodel legs (: Over the winter I fuckin hibernated and now I'm 10380193091309 pounds more than I was last summer. It blow's but who give's a fuck. Atleast I'm starting a diet, show's I'm trying.

So yesterday I really didn't get to talk about it because I was too busy stressing over a pointless subject. Ugh. But yeah I'll tell youu.

Yesterday my ex texted me, Nick. He was like 'What up' and I was like 'Whos this' [I deleted him from my contact's because he was getting on my nerves  haha] And he wrote 'Hey what's up' I was thinkin, is this fuck fucking stupid? I asked who he was and replied like that? Dumbbb. I really didn't know who it was. And I really hope it wasnt someone tryin to fuck with me. In the back of my mind I had a feeling it was him but wasnt sure. So I replied 'Who is thiss' and he wrote 'Nick' so I was like 'Oh okay.' then he said "what up' again. As if it was the only thing he knew how to say' so I said 'takin a walk u?' And he said 'At home bored chillin' so I didnt know how to reply, you gotta know that this guy fuckin is hard to text, he is so stupid, awkwarddd. So I wrote 'Ah that sucks' I kinda knew I wouldnt get a text back. When he texted me I just figured he wanted a piece, he probably only texted me because his girlfriend dumped him. I don't know . I kinda feel stupid though because he texted me at 1, and I texted back at 4, and asked him who it was. He is such a fuckin high on he probably forgot he texted me first. So, he probably thinks I'm still
the crazy attention whore I was 2 years ago when we dated.

Wow though, he was fucking sexy as fucking fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! He's 6'3 ( I LOVE tall guys) He had dark hair (My fav hair for a guyy) A lip ring (hotttt) Hes emo ish but thinks hes a gangster ha. Its kinda cute. He dont have emo hair or nothin, nothin short of opposite of that. He had a six pack, muscle arms. OMG I remember when me and my friend were on a four wheeler with him and he told me to hold on to him so I did I could feel his six packkkk. MMMMMMMMMMMm lmao! Although his dick is thin, I could look past that LMAO. He did have a hairy ass though, turn offff. He has jealousy issues to... And he probably 99% chance cheated on me. But who knows. Who gives a shit I dont love him anymore. Actually I dont think I ever loved him, I think it was just lust. I was in his car with him and dont get me wrong I was happy to be around him, I mean look at this fuckkk. But I was thinkin 'Why am I with this guy? Hes so stupid and a loser' I think it was the big L, ha Lust. Fuck it he went to prison got out and saw pics of him and hes ugly now. kinds chubby, lost his six pack and cut his hair. Yuckyyy. He texted me though and when he did I felt like, good. Idk. Who cares though. He never texted me back. And im not goin out of my way to text him. K

Oh my god. I can't stop feeling like such an ass for earlier. I fucking hate them. That's the last fuckin time I'm gonna act friendly towards one of my brothers friends, I promise you. I neeeeeeeeeeeed a bluuuuuuuuuuunt. Damnitttttt. Is it possible to feel this... I don't know... Fucking stupid when undeserved? I did not deserve to get treated how I did earlier. My face flushed red when I heard him say "Thats cool?" and bust out laughing with everyone. Know how stupid and embaressed I felt? I wanted to cry. I need a fucking blunt. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to fucking leave this town.

I'm a very emotional person. The smallest bullshit can fucking hurt me for month's. I can't help it. I just wanna be happy, but some people can be so ignorant toward's me. And I think it's because I'm not good enough, physically and on the inside. I don't need therapy, I just need to be around positive people, who actually care who they hurt. Unfortunatly I have a brother who fucking hates me. I just wish I had the kind of brother I see other girl's have, or like on the movie's. It's funny how ONE family member can hurt you so much, in so many way's. If I make one mistake, he makes me feel like shit. And not only that, but he exaggerates it and tell's everyone he knows, everything about me. Things that should just be for our family to know. Everyone knows about my ED because of him, everyone know's I used to cut because he told everybody about it and said it would be funny if I would kill myself. So, everyone thinks im a freak. What kind of brother does that shit? Fuckk. :/

-----
But yeah, so when I finally decide to come out of my shell, I go out and smoke while my brother's friend's are out in the garage. It was cool. Mike was like 'Hey Alyssa, I haven't seen you since like 9th grade' I was like 'Yeah." and he said 'so where'v you been?' so I was like, "Home, dropped out." and he said 'That's cool?' and busted out laughing and so did the other 3 including my brother. Can someone tell me what I did so wrong there? I thought he was just trying to catch up with me cause we went to school together. So I told him. I said 3 words. I felt like an ASS . Then a little after my humiliation I moved on, and told austin "Guess who texted me" "who?"
and I said "Nick" he said "So?"
Nick and him had problems in the past so and me and Nick dated and had bigger problems. Austin acted like he cared. I havent seen Nick in 2 years and he hasnt texted me all year. So it was a surprise to me and I thought he would show some interest cause whenever I tell him something, no matter how stupid, he listens and atleast acts like he gives a shit outta respect. But not this time.
So what really pissed me off was that after Mike left, Austin started talking to me like a normal person. He was just putting on a front and trying to act cool in front of his friends, as usual.
I cant even tell you how bad I felt. I felt like the most useless piece of shit, I felt humiliated, awkward, stupid, angry, annoyed, all at once.
I layed down feeling that way, and it killed me.
I couldnt stop thinkin about it. I felt so stupid. I wanted to die.
I dropped outta school to get away from these stupid people, and they just come back like a fuckin fly. Shit never goes away, and thats true. I had a hard life at school. Esp. after a rumor went around and now I'm a 'whore.' which is totally false. Fuck school. Life does get better after high school. But not when you drop out and live with a fuckin brother whos friends with all the people who hated you and teased you all throughout school. Fuck. I hate this.
-----

I went to Tabitha's and we talked about all this shit. I'm so glad that she moved here. I don't know what I would do it they didn't. I feel so much better talking to someone. Before we knew them I didn't have anybody anymore. It's comforting having another chick around that isn't a shit talker or a backstabber. She's so real and positive. She's awesome and a very good friend. I seriously was so depressed about what happened earlier. When I went over there I was depressed about those asshole's. But she made me feel better. I seriously dont know what I would do without her and Mary. But right now Mary is bein a bitch and chooses her husband over Tabitha. It depresses her. and all Kenny (her step dad, marys husband) cares about is crack. I know what it's like to feel left out, feel like second best. It fuckin sucks. Especially when its your own mom doin it to you. Your own fuckin parent. That hurts. And her mom dont even give a shit. Kenny dont. Cause Tabs not his kid, he dont give a fuck. I know that Tabitha is 21 and should, probably be moved out on her own. But its not like that, but she should STILL feel welcome in her own home with her fuckin mom. They took her to kroger so she could fill out an app. They really want her to get a job and help out, but guess what they fuckin did? They thought she was takin too long so they left her there. Bad fuckin parents. They left her there to walk al the way home. On the express way. Wow.

Stayyyy strongggg.

High hopess for tomorroww(: but anyways i dont care right now. even better news. i went to this chicks house, and her brother works with my biological dad(: i wanna tell him to tell him i said hi, cause i havent seen him since i was 6 months, so better to say ive never met him. i want to thoughh sdfghjkl; i wanna make a good, THIN, expression for him IF i meet him and work up the courage to ask her brother to do this for me.

I'm doing good with not eating today. All I had was coffee and a cigarette.
:)

,

I'm just so disapointed in myself. Big timee. I binged. I fucking binged. I ate, 2 plain piece's of toast, a bowl of ravioli, 3 pieces of buttered toast, 10 piece's of jalapeno cheese, a big bowl of cereal with milk, a small bowl of cereal with no milk, a bowl of ramen noodles, some jelly bean's. i'm so fucking full. What happened to my fucking fast? I lost control. I think I need to better mentally prepare myself before I start a fast. So, until that time come's, I'll be on strict 500 calorie diet, and it will lower to 100 by the end of next week. And maybe a fast. I'll let you know if anything change's.

.

Me and my mom went out today and she went to a smoking store. And she got her oil change. Shortly after we got home our friend Tabitha texted my mom and told her that her mom & step dad left her at Kroger right by the smoking store because she was filling out an application and was 'taking too long' so they left her there to walk home. That's like 10-20 mile's away from where we live. Cause she live's two houses down from me. We had to go alll the way back to get her. The same place. She was so pissed offff. I really didn't say nothing because I was just so fucking hungry and couldn't stop thinking about food, plus their was no room for me to even talk cause my mom and her were talking like crazy. I was hoping she would've invited me over so we could smoke a j but she didn't. She was too mad. Haha.
I really wanna smoke because it woud take my mind off food. I know you get the munchies but, I heard that if you don't eat while your high it speed's up your metabolism. Sooo that would've been nice, but it didn't happen sooo, yeah.
I just really can't stop thinking about food. I know it's just the first day, and earlier I didn't even wanna eat, but I can't help these fucking craving's now. I'm not gonna eat. Maybe I'll have an apple. I'm not gonna exercise because that's not good to do while on a fast. Plus I'm too fucking lazy. Yeah, maybe I won't have an apple. Their's calories... And I don't know. I gotta just find a fucking hobby. These cigarette's she got are fucking gross. So, I don't think I'm gonna smoke for a while... Atleast until I need nicotine.
Oh, on Mother's Day this Sunday we're going to my grandma's out in Rochester. It'll be fun to smoke and shit. But one litttleee... Okay big problem. Their's gonna be lot's of food. Mhm. I'm gonna try not to eat it. If I have to I'll just pick at my food. But it'll be hard.
Ugh. Fuck my life. I guess I picked a sorta bad time to fast. But fuck, I gotta do this. It's not like I want to suffer and watch everyone around me enjoy their food with not a care in the world.
But my mom's side of the family... Well let's just say they're not the skinniest bunch in the world... They have diabetes running in that family. So, I gotta keep up with this shit. I think the reason why I'm so.... Medium, is because my biological dad was a fucking stick.  Really skinny. I wanna be as skinny as he was. I mean, I've never met him and all, but I seen a video of him at my babyshower back in June '94, a  month before I was born, and he was tall. Like 6'3 tall. I think that's kinda where I get my hieght from. My mom is short. I'm 5'7. So I'm in between. Everyone was alway's complaining about how he was sooo skinny. I used to be skinny. I remember being 14 and thought I was so fat, but I starved myself so my everything, my perception of myself was fucked up. I thought I was a cow. I was at a healthy weight though. I weighed less than 130 pounds. and for my height, that is pretty good. When I was 15 I weighed a solid 130. Now, Ugh I don't wanna know. I'll be skinny like I was back then. Even Skinnier. I just gotta stay strong. (:

Day one.

I'm on a water fast. So far, I'm doing good (: I had water for breakfast today. I'm kinda hungry, but that's a good thing, because I binged yesterday. I felt so fucking fat and disgusting. I'm not going to fuck up this time

Binging,

The worst fucking thing you can do. All within a half hour I went fucking nut's. I ate 10 meat balls. Tons of potatoes. A big bowl of ravioli. 3 pieces of buttered bread. I'm so stupid! But, tomorrow, I'm gonna officially fast. 10 days. Consume nothing but water. maybe an apple every now and then. I promise, I can do it...(: But I'm really pissed at myself. Extremely...

Can't wait to see my beautiful bone's;

My Fantasy;

While I was outside smoking. I was looking at the driveway. And all of the sudden I saw myself walking to my mom's car and my brother's friend's were in the garage and they saw me, they said 'She's so skinny!' and seemed amazed. I looked back with a smile and kept walking. I looked amazing. I had long, wavy dark brown hair blowing with the wind that looked gorgeous, and a size zero body. no fat whatsoever. no double chin, just a perfectly sculpted jaw line. Wearing my jeans that I bought that don't fit just yet. And they were slightly baggy. And I was wearing a tight whit lace tank top and tan glowing skin. wearing flip flops and i just looked so good... it makes me strive to be thin just that much more... i want my fantasy to come true(:

i have my phone back, so that mean's i can post as much as i wanttt, whenever, just sayin(: well, goodnight. its 11:11 right now. HA

bdd

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Body Dysmorphic Disorder

My family history consist's of many type's of anxiety disorder's. For instance, My 'maternal' grandma has panic disorder. My mother has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have two totally different anxiety disorder's from them. I have Social Anxiety and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

Both of which are very depressing to have. I have been this way all my life. Even as a child. I thought everyone was like me. I've always hated the way I looked. I even remember back when I was in kindergarten. Being shy and thinking everyone was judging me. That no one wanted to be my friend.

I constantly am thinking about specific parts of my body. Thing's that I would kill for, to be fixed. For instance, I hate my nose. It look's weird in certain light's. I hate my lip's. They are not big enough. I hate my eye's. I feel like if I rest my eyebrow's they make me look like a fucking monster. I hate the size of my boob's. I want them to be small again. They are too big, I can;t even fit into my old clothe's because they dont look right and are too tight around that area. I hate my stomache, love handles, and thunder thighs. I'm definitly not as thin as I'd like to be. I'm a fucking fat cow. Not to mention I totally fucked up my ana diet. The second fucking day too. I fucking hate it. I feel fucking guilty and fat.

I hate how huge my feet are. I am a size 8 and a half. HUGE. I hate that I'm so tall because I feel like I tower over everyone and that's the LAST thing I want considering I'm a fat fuck with an ugly ass face. I'm a towering 5 foot 7. Thats the LAST height I'd like to be. I'd much rather be short and sit in the sideline's and NOT be noticed. I'm too disgustingly fat. I hate my double chin. I hate how I cut my hair. It was so long too, but I cut it because 'the layers were too fucked up.' Yeah, cause I did them. Cause I dont like going to the salon because I'm too ugly and feel awkward and dont feel like staring into the mirror for 30 minutes. and talking to some chick I dont even know. Cause she's probably judging me. Usually the girl doing my hair would be so pretty. The last time I went to a salon for my hair I was 13. And I'm now 16. Pathetic, I know. You don't have to tell me. I guess that's where the Social Anxiety kick's in. And I don't like going to the docters to get a check up and they'll weigh me. Whenever I go to the docters, the night before, the morning of, and the car trip there I constantly worry, and try not to freak out. because I do NOT want to know how much I weigh. I seriously don't. I REFUSE to look at the scale. Last time I was on a scale I was 15 and I weight 130 pounds. That was depressing. God. I'm probably 160 now. I fucking hate it. I remember when I was in fifth or sixth grade I weighed 109. So embaressing. When I was in 3rd grade I weighed 100 pounds. And thats when I think my eating disorder started. I'm not medically classified as Anorexic, but who give's a fuck? Why would I want to be labeled as such a cliche' name anyway. I am me. I do know that I have an eating disorder because all the sign's are there. But I don't classify it. Theirs no name for it other than my guilty pleasure. I know that's stupid. And maybe THAT sounds a little cliche', and I don't really ever call it that, it's just that it fits. I dont even know. I'm just rambling.

But anyways, I think I gave you a good detour on my crazy little anxiety world I got goin on here. Haha.

But yeah, my fat ass. The battle for today between food and my self control... Food won. I've killed everything I was hoping and wishing for. I do this every fucking time. I fuck up my diet's because I had no sef control sometimes. I need to work on that. Oh, and guess fucking what? I ran out of fucking cigarette's. and that always help's me through the day's. Fuck my life. I'm just so pissed off, sad, depressed, disapointed, angry, annoyed, disgusted... All at myself, all at the same time.
I hate this feeling,
I hate when everything you've worked so hard for get's fucking trashed. What's even worse about it, is when you do it to yourself. I need more self control. I need to read more Ana tips. I need to educate myself moreeee. Ughhh.

thinspo

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kinda disapointed;

so much for not eating today. i ate a little bag of peanuts, then a bowl of chicken noodle soup, then some jelly beans, then a piece of chocolate...
so let me add this up

peanuts - 50 cal.
soup - 60 cal.
jelly beans - 30 cal.
chocolate - 40 cal.
coffee - 120 cal.

so maybe 300 calories today. not bad for my first day but still.
i usually have about 1500 or 2000.

i plan to do my little workout routine tonight so minus 10-20 calories...
i have a longgg way to fucking go.
without food distracting me i realized what i really want for myself.
i wanna have piercings, tattoo's, and an awesome body. that seriously is what i really want. more than anything. i gotta be skinny though. very, very skinny.
itll happen with timee.

i used to have my lip pierced, but i took it out. guess fucking why though. cause it was too hard to eat with it. isn't that a fucking pathetic excuse? i think so.
i had an awesome body.
look what fucking food did?
destroyed me. UGH. i'm so pissed off. i hate food. i fucking hate food.

boredd;

i am so boredd. im just tryin to occupy myself without eating food. i havent touched a single piece of food today. proud of me?(: im proving to myself that i can do this. im showing myself how much control i really have. and thats enough for me. almost. being completely thin would complete me. <3 this is a good start and i cant wait to see the end result.

just a picture can pull the trigger;

i'm watchin liar liar. jim carrey is soo funny(: lol. i need a cigarette. after i'm done writing i'm gonna. i'm gonna try to keep this ana thing a secret. i'm going to kristen's in like two weeks so i need to make a good impression. especially because my mom posted an embaressingly fat picture of me. i look terrible. we were at the zoo and she took a pic of the family by the water. and i looked so fat and disgusting. i didnt realize how chubby ive gotten. so thats enough inspiration for me to get thru this fast. its on facebook for  everyone to see. its so fucking embaressing. i dont want 359 people including family that havent seen me in forever to see me like that! and people who havent seen me since i was a baby, theyre gonna be like 'OMG haha ew. i thought she wouldve looked better'. im so embaressed. ive been begging her to get rid of it as her profile picture but she wont listen. she doesnt understand how much its been hurting me.

so will she ever take it down? probably not.

but i will let her take as many pictures as she wants of me, when i am thin and beautiful<3

today;

this morning i woke up and had a cigarette and listened to a song that helped inspire me to keep going. it's called 'broken' by lindsey haun. it's a beautiful song.

but anyways all i had today was a cup of coffee. i think i may have went a little overboard on the creamer but... oh well.(:

i havent even been thinkin about food. i dont even want to eat. i dont even wanna think about eating. my dog's are being fuckin annoying. i'm about to go smoke again. but i gotta pee first. the only thing on my mind is ana. what i;m gonna do is everynight, do this work out routine i used to do when i was like 13 every night. i got it out of a cosmo girl mag. of course they dont make cosmo girl anymore... i loved that magazineee. :( but oh well. i remember this workout just like it was yesterday. it was pretty gooood. it's nothing major but it gives you result's. first you do 20 leg lifts, then 10 sit ups, then 20 crutches. & repeat 2 more times. do it everyday and you will see what i mean.

beauty from pain;

 

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